Pogo Stick?

So, I think I have finally, after almost two years, figured JJ out. He is a diehard Pogo Stick enthusiast and his one undying wish is to actually become a Pogo Stick. Hear me out...

Caution: While the following tale is based on a true story, some things may not actually be true at all.¹ 

A long, long time ago in the green, vast fields of West Virginia, little baby JJ (at that point just another un-named yearling) was running wild and free around his field with his friends when out of the corner of his eye he noticed a human passing by. Only, this human wasn't moving in the normal human two-step manner. Rather, this young human appeared to be bouncing up and down on what may have been a very skinny, shiny, one-legged bouncy creature.

"Wow", Un-named JJ said to his best little yearling buddy. "That looks like incredible amounts of fun!!!".

"That looks AMAZING!!!"

JJ asked around the field and soon found out that the one-legged creature was called a "Pogo Stick". That day that JJ decided the only thing he ever wanted in life was to bounce around and have as much fun as that young human boy and his Pogo Stick seemed to be having. He vowed that the very next day he would begin practicing his bounce.

As luck would have it, that very next morning a man came out to the field, slipped a halter over JJ's little baby head, and brought him in to the stable to begin his infamous career as a racehorse.

JJ didn't mind at first. He thought he could just practice pogo-sticking in his free time. He soon found, though, that morning practice was the only time he was out of his stall. All the humans wanted him to do was run as fast as he could on a flat track, which left absolutely no room for bouncing. If he tried, they often became angry with him, so he figured he'd better not.

JJ's racing career lasted a whopping 7 races, 7 of which he lost. During this time he earned the honorable rank of #46,756 out of 59,376 race horses in the US. In his races he "[was] always outrun", "[was] never involved", "showed no interest", "showed no response", and "was not a factor".²

Eventually the track lords gave up on JJ and he was sold. He was loaded into a trailer for a ride that seemed to last forever in the cold darkness of early February. He was driven from West Virginia to Mid-state New York, where he was unloaded into a new world, a new career, and maybe, just maybe, a new chance at becoming a Pogo Stick.

For the first few months he tried very hard. He took every chance he got to fly as high as he could (see Pegasus Post), but his version of flying wasn't quite akin to the Pogo Stick. Sure he was flying, but he wasn't really bouncing. Try as he might, his jumping just wasn't the same as the hoppity-hop motion of the Pogo Stick boy of his childhood. At one point he became so frustrated that he gave up jumping altogether, and even when his new human wanted him to jump an obstacle he just knocked everything down in his devastation (this is actually true, although I failed to write about it). What else could he do?

"Am I doing it right??"

After thinking long and hard he realized his problem: The Pogo Stick had only one leg, whereas he had four! All along he had been trying to hop on four legs - that was his problem! And so, slowly but surely, JJ devised a new plan. His plan involved destroying three of his legs, one at a time and in such a stealthy manner that his new human never even saw it coming. It went a little something like this:

Leg Destruction #1: Left Hind.³
Remove left hind leg. Make it look bloody and gory so as to gain human sympathy. She mustn't suspect a thing. She must feel bad for me so she will still like me and take care of me. I know! Blame another horse! GET KICKED BY ANOTHER HORSE! The result:

JJ's Leg after being kicked by a pasture mate.
Emergency vet call, ~5 stitches, ~7 weeks stall rest.

Leg Destruction #2: Left Front.⁴
That's right - let's destroy an entire side. Human won't suspect a thing but she must still be made to feel bad for me. She mustn't get mad at me. MAKE HER THINK IT'S HER FAULT! YES!! Ruin leg while she is riding me... But it must be a day she forgets to put my booties on. Those damn things will get in the way of my plan. The result: an enormous popped splint on the right front.

Leg Destruction #3: Right Front.⁵
I'm so close... But my left front leg is almost better and soon she'll think she can ride me again. CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN. Desperate times call for desperate measures... Must injure self IN STALL WHILE ON STALL REST TO RECOVER FROM PREVIOUS INJURY!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! WEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Well friends, you've all heard of polo ponies. But me? I got myself my very own Pogo Pony. They say your horse will only be really good at something he loves, so go ahead JJ, hop away.

FOOTNOTES
1. Please take this story with a grain of salt. It is meant to be humorous because if I don't force myself to smile I will fall apart. Please also accept my apology now for being sarcastic beyond reason and possibly bursting into tears at random. I will try very hard not to, I promise. Perhaps another post will explain this further, but not now.⁶
2. Yes, these are actual notes from his races. Notes are found at equibase.com (search Run Rummy Run).
3. This actually happened well over a year ago but in keeping with my overly dramatic fashion I may as well include it ;)
4. This happened late October (2105). After 3ish weeks of stall rest and walk/trot, I let him run free again... Splint got worse. Oops.
5. Are you kidding me?! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?! Did this actually happen?! Yes. The story goes like this: Tractor outside JJ's stall. JJ loses his shit. Falls down IN STALL. Scrapes shoulder. Right front leg mysteriously doubles in size. Awesome sauce.

Here I am brewing up some Awesome Sauce.

6. In all seriousness I am writing this blog while soaking in a bubble bath with Mai Tai in hand. Life clearly doesn't suck. (Can you put footnotes on footnotes?)